1. It gives stability to an already unstable situation.

Children of divorce are very similar to foster children in this way. Both types of children split time between the parents that have custody and the parents that do not; both may see a conflict between both sets of parents; both have gone through trauma, and both may have guilt imagining they caused their current situation. When a stepparent adopts their stepchild, a foundation is set that will set the child up for success for the rest of his or her life. There is a certain comfort that a child takes when they know they are wanted. Children of divorce have an unstable life. Stepparent adoption provides a measure of stability and helps a child feel wanted.

2. It demonstrates compassion

A stepparent who adopts his stepchildren is demonstrating compassion. Adoptive step parents show they care and understand the trauma the child has gone through and will be there for that child in the future. It shows that they are making a commitment, not only to the children but also to their spouse, who has gone through the pain of divorce or the pain of widowhood.

3. It is the blending together of two families into one. 

Stepparent adoption takes away the awkward conversations that go something like this, “Let me introduce my adopted child, my stepchild and my biological child.” Rather, the conversation should simply go, “These are my children.” After the first few episodes of the Brady Bunch, the kids don’t even refer to one another as “my stepbrother” or “my stepsister.” They simply refer to one another as “brother” and “sister.” Stepparent adoption creates unity in the family.

4. It protects the child.

When a stepparent adopts stepchildren, he or she gives to the child medical insurance coverage and life insurance. The stepchild is fully covered legally, just the same a biological child. There is no legal preference of one over the other. The stepchild is protected. 

Of course, each situation is different. Whether stepparent adoption comes through a divorce, abandonment, or the death of a parent, stepparent adoption is a good thing. An adopted stepchild is loved and wanted. Stepparent adoption rocks.

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If at some point, one biological parent has stepped completely out of the picture or terminated rights, stepparent adoption becomes pretty straight forward, and a great way to cement that family bond–as well as giving the stepparent legal rights to make decisions on behalf of the children. It takes away the ‘step’ part of parenting, and simplifies the title to just ‘mom’ or ‘dad.’ For many stepparents, that would be a dream come true, even if that comes long after the childhood years.

Asking a stepparent to adopt you can be a fun endeavor, especially if you know that the biological parent has terminated rights, or if you are over 18 years old. You can take a cue from any other gift-giving occasion. Odds are, you already have the kind of relationship with your stepparent that makes you want to be their legal child, then they will likely already welcome the gift any way you choose to propose the idea.

Try filling a box with photos and slips of paper recalling great memories of all of you as a family–including one page at the bottom that says, “Will you adopt me?” It can be as a grand a gesture as doing it with family and friends around a holiday or birthday. Or you could make it as intimate as sliding an envelope across the table at a coffee shop that includes a card with a photo of a favorite memory with the words “Will you adopt me?” on the inside.

The prospect can be overwhelming, but try to have fun with it. (Keep in mind, there may be legal details to hammer out afterwards, especially if one biological parent has not yet terminated rights and you’re under 18. But asking can often start the process.) This person as been there for you emotionally, physically, and often financially. There is a lot of love there already. Why not make it official?

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While the media has typically portrayed the stepparent/birth parent relationship as a tumultuous one, it does not have to be. The main concept to remember is that your child is now a part of you both. Just as you would not like your child to view you in a negative light, neither does the birth parent, especially if the birth parent is still in the picture. Even if a child’s birth parent is not in the picture for any reason, they are always going to be a part of them. It is crucial to keep your speech as positive as possible for your child’s confidence and sense of self. This will also aid in your relationship with a birth parent remaining positive if they know you do not speak ill of them.

If you are a stepparent to a child who still sees or speaks with their birth parent, even if the communication is infrequent, try to be the peace in the situation. When I married my husband, my 10-year-old stepson came as part of the package. While I loved him immediately and still love him like my own, I recognized that he had a mother before me. Luckily for him and for me, his mother is a fantastic and involved mother. It was nerve wracking in the beginning to wonder what our relationship would be like. However, I made the decision in the beginning to be the peace. I made my son feel loved by me, just as a mother would, but also made sure he and his mom knew that I was not there to replace anyone. My relationship with him was a new and differing relationship than he had with his mom. I made sure everyone knew it was okay to not compare the two. I was not trying to be her or take their relationship away. It is always the goal to add love to a child’s life, not try to replace it or take it away.

To coexist with your stepchild’s birth parent, be the soft, kind, loving, steady element in your child’s life. Even if your child’s birth parent still is not receptive, what he or she does not change who you need to be for your child. Put your child before your pride. If you can find a way to make peace with your child’s birth parent, it will be incredibly life giving to your child and for all involved.

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It’s possible you would want to consider legal guardianship instead. Legal guardianship will likely not be as costly, and does give the stepparent legal rights to give medical consent, input for education concerns, along with an expectancy to provide food, shelter, and clothing. Again, adopting a stepchild will bring about tremendous change in the lives of all involved. If you are ready for that change, it’s prudent to also be prepared for some of the financial expenses.

Representation and The Biological Parent

You will want to consider whether you will need to hire your own attorney or if you want to represent yourself. If the other biological parent will be uncooperative, you will probably want to hire your own. If the other biological parent is truly absent from your child’s life or is deceased, you might be okay to represent yourself.

You will want to be cautious when trying to prove to the court that the other parent is absent. You have to prove that you have done due diligence to find this person. In some cases, you can also place a missing persons notification in a public newspaper to prove that this parent can not be located and that you have exhausted efforts to find this person.

A lawyer can be appointed by the court to represent your child, if that’s what you choose. Keep in mind, though, that even though the lawyer is court-appointed, there may be a fee involved. If you choose to hire a private attorney, the costs may vary substantially. Overall, the cost of stepchild adoption can vary state to state and ranges from $700-$3,500.

Paperwork

You need to file a petition for adoption in the municipality where you and the child to be adopted reside. The filing fee ranges by state and can cost anywhere between $20 and $300.The petition itself is somewhat detailed and courts are specific about how they want the documentation. If any of the information is missing or incorrectly filed, it may result in the delay of your paperwork.

You may ask the clerk at your local courthouse if they can offer you a fill in the blank stepparent adoption form. The fee would be nominal (around $10) for this form. If you believe you will need more assistance than that, you may look online for a Stepparent Adoption Kit. This service ranges from $27 to $325 and you may be able to choose the services you want to receive in an a la carte manner.

Other Fees

Be prepared to pay some other fees. There may be a cost for a social worker to visit your home to conduct a home study. Some cases may require more than one visit. The cost can range from $500-$800 for each visit, however, it is possible to ask the court to waive this requirement in the case of a stepchild adoption.

Be prepared to pay a nominal fee for a criminal history check (around $20, but can vary).

The court may also ask you to attend family counseling. The cost for counseling can vary, but you may have some control there. Family counseling may be a wise investment even if the court does not order it as your whole family will be undergoing a drastic change.

Last, but not least, (and maybe the most exciting part!): prepare to pay a small fee (around $25 depending on your state) for a new birth certificate! This one will probably bring a tear of joy to your eye since this means that you have crossed the threshold. This seemingly insignificant piece of paper is legal proof that this child now belongs to the stepparent who has chosen to proceed with this option out of the deep love he or she has for this child. If you reach this step, allow me to be the first to congratulate you and wish you the very best. I, too, have been adopted, and I can tell you what a wonderful thing it is to be the recipient of that sacrificial love.

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Stepparent adoptions occur on a regular basis and are one of the most common forms of adoption. By definition, a stepparent adoption is when a stepparent agrees to adopt his or her spouse’s child and assume all legal responsibility for the child. The non-custodial parent is no longer legally required to assume responsibilities for the child and has no legal rights to the child.

Each state has its own laws when it comes to governing stepparent adoptions. Overall, states try to make adoptions easier for stepparents. Most states will require a background check. Some states will require a home study of the adopting stepparent. It is important for those seeking to adopt their stepchild to research what is required in their home state and to utilize the services of an attorney who is equipped and educated in the area of adoption.

Most states require consent by all parents of the child; legal, custodial and non-custodial. In cases of abandonment by the non-custodial parent, every effort must be made via the legal requirements of the law to obtain consent. This can be challenging which is why it is important to seek advice from an attorney.

One consent has been given and the legal requirements have been met, the adopting stepparent can file a petition to adopt the child. It is important to note that some states may require the parents to be married for a determined length of time (i.e. one year). The adoption court hearing typically proceeds as any type of adoption. Once the adoption is finalized, the family can apply for new birth certificates and new social security cards.

The amazing thing about stepparent adoptions is that the adopting parent is able to show a child, “I am here for you. I choose you.” Stepparents fulfill a vital role in families. They are able to fill the gap for many children. If you are a stepparent and are considering adoption, know your rights, learn the laws, and go for it. Adoption will change your life and the life of the child you love.

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Being a stepparent means loving the child as your own. Even if you did not create them, when you married your spouse, that child became a part of you. There is no separation. Parents and children come as a packaged deal. You will have to talk with your spouse about all of the issues biological parents talk about from the beginning: rules, discipline, religious preferences, etc. Being a stepparent means investing your whole self into the relationship with your stepchild, just as you would with your spouse.

Being a stepparent means being there. For the good times and for the bad. In sickness and in health, as the vows go. When you say those words to your spouse, also mean them for your stepchild. Be there for every high and every low. Every boo-boo and every heartbreak. Even if you stepchild may not be incredibly receptive at times, even throwing out a “You’re not my real mom/dad!” Be there anyway.

Being a stepparent means remembering and respecting your stepchild’s other parent. When I married my husband, I made a commitment to my stepson as well. I knew I loved him as my own and that he was, from that day forward, mine. But he was also hers and he was hers first. Being a stepparent is knowing not to try to replace the other parent. Even if your opinion of the other parent is a negative one, your stepchild will always be a part of them. I am blessed to have a great relationship with my stepson’s mom, and fortunate that she is an incredible mom. My goal is never to replace her. He doesn’t need me to. He needs me to be there in the in between. An objective third party. He knows he has his mom but also someone else who loves him as his mother.

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