While the media has typically portrayed the stepparent/birth parent relationship as a tumultuous one, it does not have to be. The main concept to remember is that your child is now a part of you both. Just as you would not like your child to view you in a negative light, neither does the birth parent, especially if the birth parent is still in the picture. Even if a child’s birth parent is not in the picture for any reason, they are always going to be a part of them. It is crucial to keep your speech as positive as possible for your child’s confidence and sense of self. This will also aid in your relationship with a birth parent remaining positive if they know you do not speak ill of them.

If you are a stepparent to a child who still sees or speaks with their birth parent, even if the communication is infrequent, try to be the peace in the situation. When I married my husband, my 10-year-old stepson came as part of the package. While I loved him immediately and still love him like my own, I recognized that he had a mother before me. Luckily for him and for me, his mother is a fantastic and involved mother. It was nerve wracking in the beginning to wonder what our relationship would be like. However, I made the decision in the beginning to be the peace. I made my son feel loved by me, just as a mother would, but also made sure he and his mom knew that I was not there to replace anyone. My relationship with him was a new and differing relationship than he had with his mom. I made sure everyone knew it was okay to not compare the two. I was not trying to be her or take their relationship away. It is always the goal to add love to a child’s life, not try to replace it or take it away.

To coexist with your stepchild’s birth parent, be the soft, kind, loving, steady element in your child’s life. Even if your child’s birth parent still is not receptive, what he or she does not change who you need to be for your child. Put your child before your pride. If you can find a way to make peace with your child’s birth parent, it will be incredibly life giving to your child and for all involved.

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Being a stepparent means loving the child as your own. Even if you did not create them, when you married your spouse, that child became a part of you. There is no separation. Parents and children come as a packaged deal. You will have to talk with your spouse about all of the issues biological parents talk about from the beginning: rules, discipline, religious preferences, etc. Being a stepparent means investing your whole self into the relationship with your stepchild, just as you would with your spouse.

Being a stepparent means being there. For the good times and for the bad. In sickness and in health, as the vows go. When you say those words to your spouse, also mean them for your stepchild. Be there for every high and every low. Every boo-boo and every heartbreak. Even if you stepchild may not be incredibly receptive at times, even throwing out a “You’re not my real mom/dad!” Be there anyway.

Being a stepparent means remembering and respecting your stepchild’s other parent. When I married my husband, I made a commitment to my stepson as well. I knew I loved him as my own and that he was, from that day forward, mine. But he was also hers and he was hers first. Being a stepparent is knowing not to try to replace the other parent. Even if your opinion of the other parent is a negative one, your stepchild will always be a part of them. I am blessed to have a great relationship with my stepson’s mom, and fortunate that she is an incredible mom. My goal is never to replace her. He doesn’t need me to. He needs me to be there in the in between. An objective third party. He knows he has his mom but also someone else who loves him as his mother.

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